Mid of 2019

Oh well, I am back blogging after a long time away! And exactly how long has it been? 3 years? Yeah I guess it’s something like that.

So many things that has happened changed me over the past few years. Medical problems, family squabbles but most life changing event is the fact that I lost my Dad to colon cancer earlier this year.

Initially I was so ready to letting him go, but now that he is really gone, I’ve missed him. There’s an empty void within my old self that simply can’t be filled nor ever be replaced. My father did not leave behind a good legacy. I came from a broken family whereby the relationship between my parents should never have happened. For many years, I am an outcast among my step siblings because I was born of their father’s mistress. I’ve never felt loved and everyone at home is either arguing, fighting, taking care of themselves or hated me. I’ve never really understand my role or purpose in my life until I gave my life to Christ. My Dad has a peaceful countenance when he passes on, and almost a smile on his face and my heart is comforted and in peace to know that he is in heaven because he has said his sinner’s prayers and admitted to God that he is wrong and seek forgiveness from Him even though he may not have lived a radically changed Christian life.

Despite all the happenings, I was inspired to write a poem about my step-siblings. I’ve never had any close personal relationship with any of them and I choose to forgive them for the way they treated me during those times. Yes, I am an outcast but I am glad that God accepted me into His family and that’s all that matters.

A Poem

Forgive Them for They Do Not Know
That there is a God
That there is a Father above that is taking care of their father below,
That their last acts of filial duties will not change what is gone,
That their father is at peaceful rest,
That He knew all their pasts and plans for future,
That He alone is good,
That has blessed them with everything good and bountiful,
That He wants to draw them back to His side,
That there is a fixed time for them to meet Him (their Creator),
That He is awaiting for their change of hearts and safe returns too

I am worried about my relationship with my Mom now that she is getting older, because the older she gets the more we can’t seem to get along. And that’s what worries me, the fact that I can never really reconcile with my Mom despite all my perseverance.

All I can do is to pray for God to give me more grace and patience and to grant her mercies so that she will not be in pain and will be in peace when it’s time for her to leave as well.

Looking ahead

After one month of school holidays, it’s time for Tasha to go back to school tomorrow morning. Last year, was a honeymoon year for her because she was the youngest there. However, this year would be different because she is now ready to start her school days as other normal children.

I’m sensing tomorrow she will throw tantrums and cries a lot because everything will be brand new again. Even her class teacher will be different than the one she usually sees and was connected closely.

Anyway, it’s good for me as I have my regular work days back. However this year, things will be a whole lot more different than all the previous years. For once, I will be alone again, and it’s not because I cannot hire another designer or anything like that. The main issue is work is getting scarce and to the point that I can handle on my own without much help.

And on top of that, my existing designer starts to take a LOT for granted these days…I am not in a very charitable mood to continue to nag or even motivate him any more than before because there just seem to be no changes coming from him. If a person is meant to be an ‘eternal soldier’ then he will be that way for the rest of his life. No matter how many pep talks or inspiration you pour into his soul, there will never be any ‘real’ changes or improvements in his work. So I decided to give up! Yes, it’s something which is good for me, and I am running my business, and I am allowed to be brutally honest and comfortable with all the decisions I make.

So I am starting my 2017 without an assistant. I am not sure whether it is a right decision, but eventually, I will need someone to help me out again in the near future (if jobs come pouring in) and I hope he or she will be a much-suited partner than the existing one I am having. And if there’s no job, I can focus on writing a book, baking or just being lazy. I am not sure anymore, but I know I will figure it out eventually.

 

 

 

Cherished Moments

This morning, Tasha sounded so sad because she knows she is heading to school. So I asked her, “Do you want chocolates?” She says “No”, “Ice-Cream?” “No” “McDonalds?” “No” then I asked her what does she wants…and she said “She only wants Mommy” awwww….that’s when I felt so loved and my heart melts 🙂

Exciting Days Ahead?

I am a bit disillusioned at the moment, I met up with a long-time school friend that went AWOL on me a while back.

Now that she suddenly reappears, she told me that she has quit and that she is planning to go into her own business and will be doing what I am doing now! A while ago, I approached another friend hoping to partner with her, but she rejected the idea because of bad business partnership experiences. So I have been praying that God will send me someone to help me with my business and grow it further. And then suddenly my long-time school friend reappears in my life.

To be honest, after being in business for more than 5 years now, nothing is a surprise to me anymore when it comes to running my business. I get used to the loneliness, the crazy dealings and the impossible demands from clients and potential clients.

However, I find it annoying that even before she started her own business or anything at all, she actually has the nerve to look down and criticize how small a set-up mine was and that it is not going anywhere impressive. And so how am I going to work with a person that I am not familiar with? Apart from our school days where we went swimming together almost every week in the city’s public pool, I have no more recollection of what a person she is, except that I know she is a very disciplined person, opinionated tough nut, never lose an argument and a single mom who’s proud of her achievements and her daughter.

So that’s bad news, in a way, because I am nothing like her at all. I hate confrontations (I’d rather die) and most of the time, I am not attention seeking. I am a very low profile person, and as I shared with her that the only reason that Epic is still sustaining today is all because of my CEO, who is Jesus. To her, she won’t understand my point of view or why I give glory to God because she is a Buddhist and all she believes in is Karma and her next life.

In the end, after meeting up twice, I decided to just call it off and not go ahead with the business partnership. I don’t think she is the answer to my prayers, rather the opposite because every time I meet up with her, I don’t have the peace because we are very much different in terms of personality. I don’t know how to anticipate her nor know what she is thinking. Also, she has a very much different way of doing marketing than me, in it being that instead of designing, crafting or doing the write-ups by herself, she usually outsourced all the work to freelancers. As for me, I am the opposite because cost control is crucial to an entrepreneur’s survival. I wouldn’t be in the business if I cannot even produce a proper design or craft my own marketing ideas or events.

Anyway, I learned a lot after talking to her, despite having a 5 figures salary and still wanting to quit, I guess that the grass is not always greener at the other end. Those who are employed are not necessarily happier even when they seem to have everything, a stable monthly income, and a comfortable working environment. And those people like me that seem to be in the gutter isn’t necessary unhappy because I get to manage my own time, spend it any way I want to and have all the freedom in the world.

Maybe I don’t need a business partner after all…

The Normal Christian Life

I apologize in case the title got mixed up with Watchman Nee’s famous Christians book entitled ‘The Normal Christian Life’. It is not my intentions to confuse the reader but I was thinking of how apt this title for my blog tonight’s going to be.

Jesus mentioned that His burden is light, it’s not heavy laden with worries and that His purpose in coming to this world is to give us rest, abundant life and eternity with Him. Indeed, a ‘normal’ Christian life would be to leave everything to Christ. There is no burden or heaviness which we have to carry daily, especially in our daily walk and relationship with Him.

What I really meant is, we are free from a lot of worries the nonbelievers usually face in their life. However, that doesn’t make us anymore different than the rest of the people, we have our own needs and wants based on our many different personalities and our upbringing. The only advantage we have over a non-believer is the fact that we are overcomers and we have a God that cares enough for us to redeemed us back to Him. In saying so, He has good plans for us.

So much has happened that I don’t know where to start my thoughts about the events that happened recently. Too many going on especially in the areas of where and what Epic should be focusing next. One thing is certain that major changes are required in order to move forward.

I have complicated questions such as, Shall I get a business partner to join me? Shall I continue alone but do more joint venture project instead? Shall I sell off some of Epic’s shares to improves cash flow? Shall I get a new office space so I can get more quality candidates to join me so we can grow? Shall I venture into something which I’ve never done before? Shall I continue to provide for my existing client? How am I going to manage Epic in the coming days? So many questions and so little time and answers!

I am stress and troubled, but I also sense I am in the middle of a breakthrough from where I was many years ago…I am glad that in the midst of all these, I have a God that I can turn to, that will provide answers to everything. So, all I need to do is to seek Him and hear from Him, the rest of the world can wait. Amen!

A Dream

I woke up at around 4am today after experiencing such an intense emotions through a dream.

In the dream, I was someone else but with existing friends that I don’t really hang out with in my real life. It’s weird because I was so much younger in my dream? Perhaps in my early 20s?

We were all hanging out together, both males and females at the cafe. It looks like we are dating one another but in fact it was a courtship where everyone knows each other’s intentions and wants.

Then there is this particular guy that looks like an actor from HK which I’ve never really like in real life liking me with me knowing all about it in secret!

All of a sudden we were all in this scene where we were drinking beers and getting drunk. It’s during the time when we are all drunk that crazy things happened because the guys thought that they have a chance to profess their love to the ladies they’ve been admiring.

When this particular guy tries his best to tell me something, I went away and dissappeared! It’s weird because instead of feeling anything from myself in the dream, I experienced the dissappointment, the heartache inside his heart trying so hard to express his love and yet was not able to do it.

Then suddenly it was back to me again having no feeling towards that guy thinking how could I ignore the feelings he had for me and feeling nothing instead?

Hhhhmmm it’s an unrequited love that I experienced in the dream so far.I am still wondering what the dream represents. They said everything in your dream happens the opposite of your actual life. I see some of the elements is true.

So that’s about it! Enough to woke me up to blog about the dream. It’s 5am now and I really should continues my sleep as I have a full day ahead of me.

A Space to Chill

This swimming pool is where I hang out between 10 – 11 am every morning during weekdays. Yes, I go swimming, so I can work better and have been more active. I hated my sedentary lifestyle a while back; now I am happy again.

I guess you can say that I start work after noon each day nowadays, but I am more productive than before and ensure that work gets done and don’t interfere with my family life.

Goodness knows I am about ready to give up on Epic these days after running it for almost six years! At the moment I am looking for business partner to help me ramp up business and at the same time manage the company better. I realized I’ve always been treating the business like an orphan, and it’s just not right.

There’s just so much a person can do for the business. I realized I am not a Superwoman, and I can’t be managing everything! It’s time I consider expanding the business for good, or the business will just be a waste of time in the future. In the meantime, I’ve spoken to 2 persons about the position, that perhaps they buy into the shares and be an equal partner and treat the company as their own. I believe God will surely send someone suitable to help me. Only time will tell. Meanwhile, any takers out there?

Go Green Go!

Last weekend, Tasha had her very first Sports Day with her school mates. She was a bit blur at times during the event but did very well when it was her turn to do the relay race.

To be honest, I was so proud of her because she did not cry much or create a fuss even when we leave her with her teachers. She gladly goes along with her teacher’s instructions and did so well during the relay games. I was ALL smiles when she tries her best to run as fast as she could. I noticed there are some 3 and 4 years old crying because their parents were there to watch the games.

I can’t remember the last time when I enjoyed children sport’s day so much! But it was indeed fun last Sunday with Tasha winning a silver medal for her relay games. Which means her team did not end up last, thought it didn’t really matter to us, as long as she had loads of fun of course!

Lately, she has been very verbal with whatever she wants, I can see that she’s going to grow up to be a strong person in the future. Besides, I am glad to know that she seems to take care of her belongings well too! I hope she will know how to take care of us in the future.

Arts & Crafts Anyone?

Lately, apart from being busy with work and family life, I spent time reflecting on what I want to do in the coming days. I also get to keep in touch with friends that I have not been seeing for some time. I know I have a lot on my plate, and I have not been blogging. I am thinking of starting another blog on an artsy topic so that I can satisfy my creative irks and gain more readers.

I don’t have any reader here, so I might want to shut down this site since it is not doing anything much for me. I’m not sure what to blog about anymore here. My life is officially so mundane and most of the time it’s about Tasha more than me.

I never thought that having a child; just one child can change my life completely. It’s as if I am now living in another universe altogether. Just meeting her demands is enough to drive me bonkers. Early in the morning, I have to attend to her like a princess, and before she sleeps, she wanted to hear bedtime stories. She gets so annoyed when I pretend to sleep, that I have no choice but to read to her. In return, I get rewarded with her endless ‘Mummy, mummy, mummy…’ and her hugs and kisses whenever I want it. Most of the time, she prefers to bug her Daddy instead of me because of my unpredictability I guess since I snap at her more than her Dad.

Soon I will sign her up for swimming lessons because she loves swimming! It would be good to have her swimming next to me all the time. At the moment, she just clings to me whenever we’re in the pool, and there’s not much in that.

I want to pick up tailoring, however still contemplating whether I should invest in a good sewing machine. I don’t have a budget for that, though everything is so expensive these days and I am wondering whether I should try that. Maybe I’ll just wait a little while longer until I am ready before going into that.

Talking about arts and crafts, I do need inspiration desperately because I am helping out at Rainbow Home, a centre for underprivileged children from broken homes. I go there every two weeks on weekends to tell the children stories and engage in some arts and crafts activities. It has been fun so far; I just wish that I have more budget to afford better activities and food for the children. They love seeing us there at the centre every time. It’s a blessing being able to share God’s love with them, and hopefully, we are doing the right thing.